~Ecclesiastes 1:11
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
~Isaiah 43:18
So this is me...
Former preschool teacher. Former Church-goer. Former student.
Former. Former. FORMER!
Even though these things are considered to be the former things of my life (but hopefully future again someday), I am happier than I have been in a long time.
"Looking back on all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."
~One Tree Hill
I love that quote because I feel it describes me in a way. Things don't always turn out the way you want them to...or the way you think they will. Just like this quote, i'm sure most would not consider mine a successful life.
Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
~Psalm 37:4
I desire to have an amazing relationship with God, regardless of whether or not I attend a weekly church service. I attended church for years and have come to realize more than ever that Christianity is about a relationship with God, not about dressing up for church once a week! I desire to be a mother one day and to raise Godly children. I desire to be a Godly wife as described in Proverbs 31. I desire to work with children...in schools, in coaching, in church, or anywhere else that God calls me to do so.
So...here are the things that are NOT former...
Despite the fact that I don't currently have a "home church", I am STILL a Christian, I am STILL loved by God, I am STIll His! I will STILL praise Him no matter what the circumstances. I will STILL put Him first in my life. I will STILL study His word.
Despite the fact that I know longer work as a preschool teacher, I KNOW God will place me in another school when it is His time. This time, it will be a school that I can work at, without being asked to lie, to falsify documents, to do things that are immoral, unholy, and just plain illegal. In fact, I am currently subing in many different schools, and have found that I am enjoying the variety of ages in my students.
Despite the fact that I am not currently attending school does not mean I will never go back. Unfortunately, finacially it is difficult to take classes. But I hope to return in the fall. God will provide when He sees fit, He always does.
"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Will I dwell on the things of the past? No. Will I focus on making the present as wonderful as it can be? Absolutely! Will I worry about the future? I don't need to, because God is already there!
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire. The other is to gain it."
~George Bernard Shaw
I've gained my hearts desire to do something in this world that has meaning...to work with children. Many times I have gained my hearts desires and it hasn't been what I thought it'd be or what I wanted it to be, but it was what God ordained for me. It was what God allowed to happen in my life, good or bad, so that something could come out of it to glorify Him. Every bad thing i've ever been through had a purpose for good. Sometimes my desires have not always been good. Of course thats why the Bible says the heart is deceitful aboove all things. So now I wait...for what God desires in my life. I've prayed for patience in my life for years, because it used to be something that certainly was not a virtue of mine. People say to be careful when praying for patience...because God will allow you to go through trials that will strengthen your patience, but ... It. Will. Not. Be. Easy. Trust me! But will it be worth it? You better believe it! I guess the horrible things that happened where I worked, was the "tragedy" part of getting my hearts desire. But one cannot possibly expect for their dream/calling to always have an easy path!
"Take a look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see looking back? Is it the person you wanna be? Or is there someone else you were meant to be? The person you should have been, but fell short of. Is someone telling you you can't, or you wont? Because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money, or fame, or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family, and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. Believe that. And believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do."
~One Tree Hill
"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."
~Bella, Twilight
God offered me a dream when I was 19 years old. A calling, actually. A calling to work with children. I was told by a doctor that I would most likely never have children of my own. It devastated me. You have no idea. Because I absolutely LOVE children. Of course, I had never wanted to be a teacher, or a coach, or even work with other peoples children. I wanted to be a mom, of 6 to be exact lol, sounds crazy I know! I went through different phases, like most, of what I wanted to be when I grew up...an animal cop, a tornado chaser, a professional cheerleader, an oceanographer, a lawyer, and definitely a mother. Never had I dreamed of being a teacher. A few months after that conversation with the doctor, a conversation I considered life altering, something amazing happened...I heard God speak..TO ME. He told me that no matter whether I ever had children of my own, I could always have children in my life and that He would provide a way for that to be true. When I heard Him speak, I was sitting in a church pew, watching video footage of children from the 2005 mission trip to Uganda. I knew I had to go. I couldn't explain it, because at that point in my life, I didn't want to get on a plane, much less travel to a foreign country. But I knew He called me to go, so I went in 2006 and 2007, and it has forever changed my life. I also started working with children in church and at schools and changed my major to Education. I had a new dream, a calling from God! Has that dream came to an end? Temporarily maybe...or maybe God is providing me rest until He places me somewhere new to continue that calling. Has my dream/calling came to an end forever? Not even close. I thought I was fulfilling my calling and my dream working where I was, but I was also allowing myself to fall into things that were wrong there. So God took me out of that place. There, God and the children were not put first, so God didn't see fit for me to continue serving there.
"The simple truth is when we put God first in our lives, everything else will fall into place."
~from a recent Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional
The important thing in life is to draw inspiration, to press on despite lifes circumstances, through whatever we can, but most importantly to draw this inspiration and strength from God. I find inspiration in Bible verses, books, quotes, musical lyrics, the way the piano sounds in classical music, my dreams, my moms encouraging words, the sunshine, the rain, my friends, but most importantly through prayerful talks with God. Sometimes I like to "escape" with these things, and when I return I feel refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on whatever trial or blessing may be next. What works for me some days may not work the next. God knows what I need, when I need it. Actually, He knows BEFORE I ever even realize I need it. The one thing that consistently works in my life? Prayer does. Relying on God does. Releasing my burdens to Him does. Trusting in Him does.
If you've read this far in my blog, bravo lol, I tend to bounce around a lot. My mind works quite randomly. I've written poetry before, but don't think I could write an entire novel for that very reason lol - it would probably only make sense to me in the end. But these have been my thoughts lately, and thank you for taking the time to read them.
"In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on."
~Robert Frost
"The secret to successful living is staying at the foot of the cross. The way to make good decisions is to listen to the Master and heed His words. The only way to find purpose and meaning in this life is to stay in the center of His will. Go forth and be the success He means for you to be. Remember God loves you. You are loved."
~Woman at the Well Ministries
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